QUESTION: My significant other and I have an ongoing struggle with communication on touchy subjects. I'll say something and then she twists it around and tries to tell me what I meant. She's often wrong, so I try to restate what I meant using different words. She nails me saying that I can't change my words around to get out of trouble. She thinks she is a good communicator. How can I win?
Dr. Patt----LIFECOACH: Talking is only a winning activity when there is successful two-way communication. In a two-person conversation, you don't get to decide what the other person said, only the words you heard and you don't get to declare what the other person meant, only what you understood. I've heard many ridiculous arguments where one person insists that he/she knows more what the other person meant than the speaker does. Sound absurd? It is. Consider these tips:
1. Being a good communicator in a work setting or among friends is not evidence that you communicate well in your intimate relationships.
2. When you (or the other) have good/better recall of actual words spoken, it does not mean that you're a better communicator or that you should get out the dictionary to "prove" what the other person meant with the words chosen.
3. Words have no meaning as sound waves in the air. In conversation, meaning is put into the words by the speaker when spoken and again put into the words by the listener when heard. Forget the dictionary. Focus on usage and intent. Do a listening check.
4. When your listener doesn't get what you mean, express yourself with different words. Don't keep repeating words not understood the first time around. Insisting that you were perfectly clear is foolish. You weren't. Clarity is in the ears of the listener.
Remember that people who describe themselves as good communicators are only correct when understanding is achieved on both ends.
QUESTION: My significant other and I have great relationship but... I feel like I need a permission slip from her before I make plans with friends or get away for a weekend fishing trip. When I set my plans before I tell her the details, she becomes upset with me. Although she says I do not need permission, it sure feels like it. Any thoughts?
QUESTION: My friend and I disagree about what people call "emotional cheating." I think two married coworkers are having an emotional affair. She believes there's no such thing as an emotional affair. She says they just have a close friendship and are simply flirting. Do emotional affairs exist ? Do they count as infidelity?
QUESTION: My significant other and I have an ongoing struggle with communication on touchy subjects. I'll say something and then she twists it around and tries to tell me what I meant. She's often wrong, so I try to restate what I meant using different words. She nails me saying that I can't change my words around to get out of trouble. She thinks she is a good communicator. How can I win?
QUESTION: I have always heard that you should not call a child a "bad boy/girl" when he/she does something wrong. What difference does it actually make? It's only an expression used to get their attention. Isn't it just splitting hairs with words?
